Not

Well, my fears have been realized. My cycle started yesterday after having blood drawn to test my levels again. Dr. is coming up with a plan here soon, but not really sure what to think. Definitely sad, but surviving. Cramps are really awful this month and my whole body aches. Wine would help, but I'm working, so that's not an option. Took 4 IBP this morning, and just took at T3 (codine). Have heat on my back, but just really yucky feeling.

I know God has a plan, and that he cares about all of this. I know people have babies more than 2 or 3 years apart and it's great, I just really want my kids to be able to experience being in high school together someday, and even college. I am thankful for modern medicine though, that can explain this and thankful that God lead me to Dr. Brasch over 3 years ago. He takes the time to explain exactly how the cycles work and what my body is probably doing so that I can understand the game plan when we come up with it.

He is not in the office today, so the results are back, but I won't get to talk to him until tomorrow. He'll have a plan and we'll move forward. Who knows if this will be a long journey or a short one, but either way, the Lord is on it with me and I love him.

Am I or am I not?

I've been struggling the past couple of days with fear. Fear that we won't be able to get pregnant; fear that I'm going to miss out on more time with Peyton, because it's taking longer to get pregnant; fear that I won't get to be an at-home mom someday; fear that I heard the Lord wrong on numerous occasions, etc.

Today is day 22, which is when I usually start a new cycle. I know my progesterone levels are struggling, even though I've been using Prog cream to try and boost them. I feel crampy, which doesn't usually happen until after I start, and I haven't started yet. I wonder if that means something good or maybe I'm pregnant and my body is struggling to make a decision on what to do b/c the levels are so low. I know I'm avoiding going to the bathroom, in case it makes me start, but I really need to go potty! I feel like I'm pleading with my uterus and with God to just KEEP the little baby in there this time, dangit! And then I realize that's not the attitude to have. And maybe there isn't even a baby in there. Who knows? Lord knows there should be one in there for all of our effort!! ;)

I do feel like the Lord has his hand in every area of my life and that the evil one is trying his best to hit me while I'm pursuing Jesus. I don't know what to do with that, other than to pray and stay focused on the Lord and all the amazing things he has in my life right now.

I'm desperate to know what is going to happen over the next couple days and have no idea how to handle it if I start my next cycle. Cameron is the most amazing husband, he loves me to death and I'm thankful for him, but he doens't have the sense of urgency that I do for some reason. So I can't really talk to him about it because he just say's "Honey, if God wants us to have a baby, we'll have a baby". Of course, he's right. I don't disagree with that, but it doesn't seem to calm this sense of dread I'm feeling.

Oh life...